Fear: a tiny four letter world, seemingly insignificant, but responsible for many of our poor decisions. Don’t believe me? Keep reading.
I have mentioned before, probably numerous times, that I am not an expert about things in general, but I know a lot about many different things, and most importantly, I AM an expert about MYSELF. I can honestly admit that 99% of the dreams, goals, ideas, ideals, aspirations, and inventions I have had over the years were deemed “too scary” for me to pursue. Now, that acknowledgment begs the question, “What in the world are you afraid of, girl!?” Well, let me count the ways (lol): I am afraid of failing, afraid of succeeding, afraid of hard work, afraid of sacrifice, afraid that I have no clue what in the world I am doing, afraid of being judged, and afraid of letting myself down. Pheew! That’s a lot of shit to be afraid of! Seeing the words types out is kind of like a shock to my mind. My Higher Self is like, “Girl, if you don’t stop being ridiculous and let us live this amazing life!” And you know what? She’s not wrong. What a waste of the MOST important commodity in life: TIME! Okay, so it should be a piece of cake to stop wasting my time on BS, unhelpful f-e-a-r, right? Well, let’s just say that is easier said than done, but certainly not impossible.
 

 

How does marijuana fit into all this?

Way back in 2011, I was going through a majorly tough time. I was getting divorced, preparing for a custody battle, and was being screened for cervical AND ovarian cancer. I was feeling really shitty and SCARED! I was so afraid that I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, hardly smiled, and my body was manifesting all that negative energy. By the end of the year, when I finally received a miraculously clean bill of health, I told myself I was going to begin changing my life. I started saying “yes” to a few things I normally would shy away from and the behavior became contagious. Once I changed one thing, I had to keep making other changes.
Fast forward 6 years, I said “yes” to trying medical marijuana when my anxiety was beginning to get the best of me. At first it was just mere curiosity, but the second time I smoked (the first time was racked with paranoia), I noticed a major change in my personality. I immediately decided I needed to document my emotional and mental reactions and thus, this blog was born. At the time, I didn’t know I would be blogging about it in an open forum, but I was committed to taking detailed notes for my own personal growth.
In documenting my experiences, I’ve noticed that I am beginning to take the lessons I learn while I am high, and applying them to my sober life. For example, it’s easy to be fun, compassionate, caring, and easy-going when I’m high, but often times those things don’t come out unless I feel secure. When I’m high, I am always confident, secure, and relaxed, but the question became, “How can I be like this all the time?” Once I started having higher expectations of myself, it was a little easier to open myself up to even more opportunities. I found myself at social events where I formerly would’ve been a wallflower, suddenly morphed into the belle of the ball! I was boldly starting conversations with strangers, actively listening (not just waiting for the chance to talk), and even dancing! Ya’ll the dancing is HUGE for me! My friends still can’t believe I dance now when we go out, but my way of thinking is, I can’t believe I didn’t dance before.

Talk yourself UP, not down.

I always say that fear is crippling. I feel so incapacitated by it sometimes that it’s overwhelming. A perfect example of that is my writing. Logically I know I can write decently, and there is some type of enjoyment in it, but I am always plagued with mental blocks that deter me from being truly great. My initial go-to reaction is “Ugh, I don’t want to do this” or “What am I going to write about? I’m no expert.” Yeah, I basically talk myself out of it before I can even get started! Talk about destructive behavior. Geesh!
Because I am new to this New Thought way of thinking, my initial thoughts are still often negative and fear based, so I started rudely interrupting myself and interjecting positivity instead! It may sound silly, but as soon as I feel myself thinking something unhelpful, I allow my Higher Self to butt in and say something like “You’re an excellent writer with a great message to share.” I gotta admit, just reading that made me feel a little better and more confident. In a world full of Debbie Downers looking to drag my mental state to hell, why should I jump on the bandwagon? If I am not cheering for myself, who the hell else will? So, START BUILDING YOURSELF UP, too!

Don’t worry, you’ve done this before.

Yes, we know it isn’t easy peasy to just get rid of our fears, but as I previously said, it isn’t impossible. I have learned that NOTHING is impossible if the mind truly believes in it. Think about it this way: have you ever wanted to purchase something that was outside of your budget, but you felt like you just had to have it anyway? What did you do to obtain what you wanted? This excludes someone else buying it for you; although, in some of those situations, you still likely had to do something to earn a gift, but I want you to allow your mind to focus on a time when you had to depend on yourself to get it. In all likelihood, you had to save money by skipping short term gratifying desires like dining out, shopping, etc. Or perhaps you needed to pick up a secondary stream of income.
Whatever method you used, it was all apart of the process to help you achieve your goal. It required sacrifice of your time, energy, and physical endurance. Do you see where this is going? I bet you do! So, if you apply that same commitment and energy to any goal, why wouldn’t the outcome be a success? More importantly, why aren’t our goals just as important as some bauble, game, or vacation? It’s a valid question and one that I have begun asking myself (clearly I just ask questions of myself all day. LBVS). At the end of the day, holding on to fear is only forcing what I truly desire further and further from my grasp and THAT, my friends, is the truly terrifying reality.
 

 

Best advice?

Be kind and forgiving to yourself. Recognize that vulnerability can be scary, sure, but you also need it to be brave. Bravery to me is courage + fear. It’s okay to be afraid, but only as far as a general human reaction. Please, please, PLEASE do not allow it to incapacitate you. I know it’s tempting to give in to the downward spiral of fear and negativity, but do your absolute BEST to break that vicious, sh*tty cycle. Where as it ever gotten you, anyway? Don’t forget, there’s always a sweet little heaven-sent plant that’s been cultivated, nurtured, and packaged at your local dispensary just for you. There’s no shame in giving yourself a little push of enlightenment. Besides…you might even enjoy it.😉
Til next time, tokers and jokers.
Hardy Har